The Beginning

Regret is a terrible thing. To know that you’ve passed the point of taking action, and have nothing left to show except for your should of’s and would of’s and could of’s. I am sitting here watching my grandfather in the final stages of his life, and I wonder what his regrets might be. Does he regret not going to college, or the sacrifices he made for his family at such a young age? Does he regret not taking chances with his life and always doing what was expected of him? Does he regret not spending enough quality time with the ones he loved most? Does he ever feel like he was meant to do more or be more? What would he do different if he had it to do all over again?
In my life, I have been blessed with more experiences and opportunities than most. I’ve sung with a glorious choir in Carnegie Hall, and had the chance to travel with the rock band I’ve idolized since birth. Friends and I have sailed a boat from Florida to the Bahamas, and I’ve traveled within the U.S. a good bit. I have a beautiful little girl who is healthy and brings happiness to my life every day, but aside from her, I feel as if I have very little to show for the first 29 years of my life.
At 20 years old, I was married and preparing to have a baby. My whole life was ahead of me, and even though I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do or be, I was on the right track. Now, almost 10 years later, my first marriage is over and my finances are in shambles. I’m in a job that I’m good at, but not one that leaves me feeling fulfilled. Almost 30 years old, and I am no closer to knowing what I want to be when I grow up than I was at 20. So many of the people around me seem so sure of the path they are on, so sure of who they are, and I feel like I’m going in 5 directions at once which will eventually bring me full circle and drop me right back where I started. At least that seems to be what’s happened so far. I’ve started numerous things and not completed them...school, careers, pet projects. There have been so many things I’ve wanted to do or be…writer, social worker, nurse, photographer, archeologist, singer, actress, teacher, historian, air force pilot, veterinarian, wedding planner, painter, gardener, scholar, world traveler, scrap booker, dancer, cook, and so much more! I’ve had 10 years and I’ve not made any one of those things happen, or mastered any one craft. Sure, I’ve researched my ideas, even started school to move forward on a few of them, but I never saw anything though.
I realize that now is the time for me to take action, because if not now, when? I need to stop sitting around thinking about what I haven’t done, and start focusing on what I’m going to do. I want to spend my days doing what I love. I want to find my thing. For once, I would like to start something and see it all the way through, if for no other reason than to prove to myself I can. That is why I’m starting my “Bucket List” today. I don’t want to wait until it’s too late, and be left with the thoughts of what I almost did, or thought about doing, or should have done. When I am in my grandfather’s position, 81 and in a nursing home, I want to look back on my life and know that I did just about everything I ever wanted to do. I want to know that I loved and laughed and truly lived, as often as was possible. So what if I haven’t accomplished everything I thought I would have by now. I’m creating a clean slate and starting over. I’m engaged to be married to a wonderful man and embarking on a new life journey with him and my little girl. I still have plenty of time to do the things I want; only now maybe I’m in a better position to appreciate the things I accomplish. Isn’t 30 the new 20 anyway?